Anita Jacob

It’s an interesting thing to observe again and again how the person who has the bigger emotions or makes the most noise in a relationship is the one who gets blamed for the dysfunction in the relationship. It’s even more interesting to see how the seemingly ‘innocent’ one is the one who lights the match and then sits back and watches the fire burn, all the while blaming the fire for burning!

Let me explain. Recently I was sitting in my office with a couple who were talking about something that often leads to misunderstanding and conflict in their relationship. She very calmly shared her thoughts and opinions while making passive-aggressive comments, all the while looking at me with a smile. He sat quietly until she said something that he felt was completely untrue and then reacted in anger, his patience having run out. Though she had prodded and poked an area that was clearly very sensitive, she then looked at me as if to say, “Look at what I have to put up with!”

I see this again and again. Though one person can say things calmly, being measured in tone and volume, the words and passive-aggression are like poison to their partner, riling up the emotion and causing an explosion when it can no longer be kept inside. This creates a convenient out for the calmer partner to then blame the more emotional partner for the arguments and issues in the relationship.

It is understood that yelling and screaming in a relationship is bad, so those who do this are villainized and are told that they are abusive, angry, unstable and oversensitive. Rarely is the person who is calm and measured blamed and labeled with the same words. In contrast, these partners often have a sense of self-righteousness over being able to maintain their composure and having the ‘better’ way of managing issues. It is only when things are slowed down in my office that both partners are able to recognize their part in the cycle that keeps repeating.

The truth is, neither partner is in the right. Yes, yelling and screaming is not good, but it is important to understand why someone feels the need to do this. Also, being calm while saying hurtful and mean things isn’t good, and understanding why that partner feels they need to do this is important, too.

On both sides there is hurt, and this is what is driving the behaviour of being hurtful with words or having an emotional outburst. Let’s try and understand what each person is going through.

The calm, measured partner: often I find that clients who fall into this category are holding onto resentments and hurts that they have struggled to let go of. That is why a seemingly innocuous statement often includes a hint or an outright dig or offhand criticism. This may look like, “I always appreciate when he helps with the chores, when he chooses to put down his phone long enough to notice they need to be done!” Only when dissecting these comments do we uncover the hurt of feeling less of a priority to their partner. Often there’s a historic issue from earlier in the relationship that has never been resolved, often being poked that then to hurtful comments being made.

The louder partner: often I find that clients who fall into this category often feel misunderstood and misjudged, reacting out of a sense of frustration and helplessness, asking questions like, “Why don’t you ever understand where I’m coming from?” or, “Why do you keep bringing this stuff up? I thought we resolved this.”

Both partners are desperate to be known and understood, and to feel safe with each other. “Can I trust that you won’t hurt me again like you did before?”, “Can I trust that you know my intention is good and I never want to hurt you again?” There’s a longing for deep connection and a fear that the vulnerability required for such connection with leave them open to deep pain. And, I’m sorry to say, this is true. Relationships are risky. Choosing to be in relationship means you are choosing to get hurt, because that’s just a part of human existence; but we know that without the risk, there is no reward, and the reward is unmatched by anything else on this planet!

So the goal isn’t to stop saying mean things or to stop having emotional outbursts… the goal is to be able to create a sense of safety in the relationship where hurts can be resolved, both partners can feel known, and misunderstandings can be talked about from a place of believing in the goodness of your partner.

In conclusion, if you find yourself falling into either of these roles, take a step back and ask yourself how to say what you really mean without lashing out or trying to cause pain. Help your partner understand you and make an effort to understand them. If you try this and the cycle continues without improvement, please seek professional help to help break the negative cycle and find a place of peace and safety again.