Anita Jacob

Is it true that men don’t think as much as women… that they can just switch off and have nothing rattling around in their consciousness?

Lately I’ve become more aware of a question in my office that I’m sure has been asked since the beginning of time. The question is most often asked by the woman in the relationship, and the question is, “What was he thinking?” As you can imagine, this question comes after their partner has or has not done something that she feels he should have known better about. “When he bought himself a drink, but not me one, what was he thinking?” “When he agreed to meet the guys at the pub on Friday night and didn’t even ask me if I had plans, what was he thinking?” “When he said that thing that he knew would hurt me because he knows my history, WHAT WAS HE THINKING?”

After listening and exploring the depth of the emotion and what it meant that he said or did these things, I have found myself delicately floating the idea that it wasn’t what he was thinking, but that he wasn’t thinking at all! Upon saying this, I often get a rather relieved look from him and a somewhat confused look from her. He says something like, “Exactly! I just wasn’t thinking at that time, but of course I care and should have done it differently. I know that now.” She, on the other hand, will often say something like, “but I don’t know how you can’t be thinking of me. I am always thinking about what you want and how you feel. If you cared, you would have thought about it.”

This goes back to the age old question about the differences between men and women. The male brain is capable of experiencing moments where they aren’t thinking about anything at all. This has been termed the ‘Nothing Box’ or is referred to as a mental pause. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to multitask and be thinking all the time! In the above examples, the men weren’t thinking of nothing at all, but just weren’t thinking about the cause and effect of their behaviour on their partners. They weren’t evaluating their words or actions before acting on them, inadvertently causing their partners pain.

Because women think differently to men, women will try and make sense of this lack of thought by putting meaning on it. They will say things like ‘he doesn’t care’, or ‘he’s so selfish’. It is so easy to place intention and motive on other people based on how we would think or behave in a situation. This makes it so much more hurtful when someone has behaved in a way that appears thoughtless or intentionally neglectful. The response of, “I’m sorry, I just wasn’t thinking!” doesn’t get a compassionate or understanding response, but rather the questions, “why weren’t you thinking?”, or, “but you should have been thinking!” This is where understanding and trust needs to be implemented so much more so that you can counter the first thoughts that come to mind with what is more likely to be the case.

If you feel like this dynamic fits you in your relationship, ask yourself these questions:

• What is the character of my partner? Is he someone who is neglectful, uncaring, selfish or malicious?
• Does he usually treat me well? What is the pattern of his behaviour? An occasional lapse in judgment or thoughtfulness does not mean he doesn’t care.
• If he is frequently showing signs that he doesn’t care, isn’t sorry and doesn’t want to address the ways he hurts you, do you want to stay in a relationship like this?

One final suggestion is to always talk about the ways that you feel hurt. Seek to understand what has happened rather than jump to conclusions, and always give the benefit of the doubt (unless there is a pattern of negative and hurtful behaviour that isn’t improving).

If you are in a committed relationship, there should be a basic foundation of trust and belief that your partner cares and is good. I encourage you to start from this place whenever there is the temptation to believe something that doesn’t fit with who they are. Then talk about it!