Anita Jacob

Cherish – ‘to hold someone or something dear, treating them with deep affection, care and appreciation. It implies not only loving something but actively protecting and nurturing it’ (Cambridge Dictionary).

This word is not a word that is often used in day-to-day conversation. I rarely use it when I speak as it feels a bit old fashioned and flouncy. This is why is stands out to me each time I have a woman sitting opposite to me in my office, often next to her husband, saying that she just wished she felt cherished in their marriage. It’s such a poignant word, full of meaning and longing. The woman sits there saying she just wants to be cared for, appreciated, but deeper than that. She wants to be deeply loved, and to feel this love tangibly, surrounding her, not in a suffocating way, but in a protective, I’m here for you and you never have to worry kind of way. There’s a deep sense of feeling so special to someone else, feeling secure, seen, known and loved regardless.

It’s easy to feel this way early in a relationship, the hormones coursing through your body could create this feeling even if there is little actual ‘cherishing’ going on. You feel like the most important person in the world to your new partner who promises to give you the world because of just how special you are. It’s after a few years, some significant stresses, changes in circumstances whether with kids, or careers, or busyness, or whatever, and you wake up one day craving what you once felt and wondering where it has gone. Then a few more years pass and you may end up in an office like mine sharing the desire to be cherished, but not being sure you will ever feel that way again.

I am aware that I am speaking in terms of the woman in a couple being the one to express this need. This is simply because that is what I have heard many times over. Men also need to feel cherished though speak about this need in much different terms. They may say things like, “I need to feel appreciated, like I’m not the last thing on the list behind the kids, chores and whatever else.” I never knew that so many men love to have their heads scratched by their wives until I started hearing this again and again as a way to show love/cherishing! Many men feel this through physical touch, a wife choosing to forsake all other distractions and be present.

I think showing that you cherish someone can be quite simple, though choosing to look past many of the hurts and resentments that have built up over the years can complicate this. If you’re at this stage in your marriage, you know your partner. You know exactly what they like and what annoys them. Think about what makes them feel loved and do more of that thing. Let me know you are thinking about them when you are apart. Here are a few things to consider:

• Put down all electronic devices and turn off the TV/radio.
• Share some things that you appreciate about your partner.
• Use physical touch to increase the sense of connection – this may be cuddling up together, putting your hand on their arm, holding hands.
• Make eye contact.
• Check that you are sending and receiving the same message.
• Give positive feedback to what you hear by sharing your own feelings in response.

Going a little further, I would suggest in your own time remembering what it was that you fell in love with about your partner. Remember why it was so easy to cherish them in the past.

I’m not saying to pretend none of the issues are real that you face in your marriage, but I am saying to put these in perspective of the bigger picture. Think about how you can cherish your partner again! Remember the words in the dictionary definition – Deep Affection, care and appreciation.