Anita Jacob

Sometimes being in a relationship can feel quite overwhelming, especially if you have kids and feel like you are caught in the mad rush of life. This month I have to help my daughter find/make a medieval costume, plan her birthday party for next month, take kids to dentist appointments while managing their anxieties around them, and remember random other commitments for school/end of year activities etc. It can be overwhelming to say the least!

So when is it okay to say, ‘enough’ and take time for yourself? We’ve all heard of the term ‘self-care’ and roughly know that this means we need to take time for ourselves, but it isn’t easy. I know of many individuals who feel like this would be selfish, or that taking time out isn’t something they should do as a wife, husband or parent. I was talking to a client recently who said they felt like it was their choice to have a child, so it’s their responsibility to take care of that child without burdening someone with that responsibility, even for a short time. They really struggle with asking for help though they also know themselves and know they need a break.

I’ve also known those who have never allowed themselves to take a break until they are exhausted, burnt out and just feel done and want to leave the relationship. They have struggled to ask for what they need and finally feel like they can’t take it anymore, not because the relationship is bad, but because all relationships take work, energy and effort!

Most of the people I talk to about their struggle to take time for themselves, or feel like they are shirking their responsibilities if they aren’t ‘on’ all the time, are able to trace these beliefs back to something in earlier years. Perhaps they took on the role of caretaker in their family as a child, or had to be very independent from an early age because parents weren’t around. Sometimes they remember making choices that lead to negative consequences, so they no longer trust themselves to know what they need or trust that it will lead to something positive.

So if you have been conditioned to believe that taking a break means that you’re lazy, you’re not being responsible, or that you’re letting someone down, you need to reevaluate these beliefs and make choices despite what your mind is telling you. This often can look like asking permission from a loved one to take time for yourself – not because you need permission, but because you need to hear that it’s okay! If you’re not used to taking this time, you may need to plan way ahead, making sure you know things will be taken care of in your absence and reminding yourself every step of the way that you deserve to have your needs take care of, too.

I’ve met many couples who have worked into their routine time for each partner to have their ‘me’ time. This often looks like a girls night or a guys night once a month… or the annual boys weekend away or women’s retreat. These times are almost treated as sacred where nothing can get in the way of them happening because they are that important to the mental and emotional health of each partner.

In addition to these, a healthy relationship allows for things to come up or for ‘bad’ days. Just like many companies now allow for mental health days or stress days, relationships should allow for these, too. This might look like saying, ‘I just need to go for a walk, can you watch the kids for a bit’, or ‘I can’t think about dinner tonight, can you order take-away?’

If this is something you struggle with, I want you to start to imagine what self-care might look like for you. What do you long to do that you haven’t done in years? What refreshes and revitalizes you? What do you dream of doing again once the kids are self-sufficient or when you retire? Why wait until then? You deserve the time and energy to take care of yourself, too. Talk to your partner about what this may look like and how to make this a reality. Give yourself permission to take care of you!