Anita Jacob

I’m often asked what I think about separation. Is it a good idea? Is it just a precursor to divorce? What’s the point of it? Often one person in the couple says, ‘why not just divorce if we’re going to be living apart anyway?’, while the other person just needs a bit of space from the everyday tension and constant reminder that things aren’t where they had hoped they would be in the relationship.

Separation typically is an agreement by both parties in a couple to live separately while seeking clarity and working on resolving issues in the relationship that have made it very difficult to be consistently in each others space. Most often the couple doesn’t fully agree and one person thinks this is a better idea than the other. This is why having structure helps. Structure can provide a sense of purpose and clear expectations especially to the more anxious party, while also establishing a commitment to the relationship for a specified time until another way forward is decided.

When clients ask me whether I think they should separate, my answer to this question is always that it depends on several factors. Separation is never a decision that should be made lightly. Usually it’s considered only after many other attempts have been made to fix whatever problems are happening in a relationship. Some questions first need to be answered before a separation is considered. The main one is, ‘do you still want to work on the relationship or are you done?’ If you are truly done, then a separation will do nothing but confirm the sense of relief at having space and being out of the relationship; but if you aren’t sure or a part of you is still hopeful and you aren’t ready to let go completely, then a separation can help.

I remember a couple I was seeing who differed greatly in their view of what separation was and what it would lead to. He was completely against it, saying that she would get used to not having him around and would prefer it. She was terribly anxious coming home every day wondering what the next argument would be about, and though she still loved him, she couldn’t see a way forward unless something changed. While understanding his level of anxiety at being apart, and her level of anxiety being together, it was agreed that living apart for a specified time would allow space for healing while also being time-limited with the goal of living together again always in mind. Over the next three months, I met with them every week, working on issues that had caused pain over the years. Both parties were able to listen and hear each other differently, especially as they weren’t coming in each week wanting to tell me about their latest argument. After the first three months, they weren’t ready yet to move back in together, but at the next check-in three months later, they agreed that it was time and they were at a better place to communicate when things came up and be less triggered by what had hurt so much in the past.

Structured Separation

The kind of separation that I find most helpful is what I call a ‘Structured Separation’ and this is what it looks like:

• Begin or continue with couples (and possibly individual) therapy. The issues that got you to this place need to be addressed. Trying to do this alone has already proven to be unproductive or damaging, so inviting in a professional is essential to overcoming and moving forward in a positive way as a couple. This is where difficult conversations will happen rather than trying to do this on your own.
• Agree to see each other weekly for a non-pressured, light-hearted get-together – this can be for a dog walk, meeting for coffee, watching a movie. The expectation during this time is to not try and address or fix anything in the relationship, but to reestablish a sense of friendship, enjoying being around each other and remembering why you fell in love in the first place.
• Have a discussion about how communication will look during this time and agree on what works for both of you. Most couples need a bit of a break from the every day back and forth that can become emotional, so limiting messaging to logistical planning is often most helpful unless something specific comes up.
• Have a time-frame for regular relationship check-ins asking the question, ‘Has anything changed?’ (usually at 2 or 3 month intervals). If nothing has changed, but things are moving one way or the other, you set a new date for the next check-in. If something has changed, you make decisions based on this. This assumes there will be ups and downs and encourages each partner to wait until the check-in without making a rash decision in the moment, making a commitment to keep trying and keep an open mind until that specified date.

There are so many other areas that could be added to this discussion including coparenting and talking to the children about what’s happening, issues around intimacy during this time, how to return after a separation (staged return or move back in entirely), or what it looks like to pursue a divorce and when to know it’s time to make that decision, but there isn’t space here to address all of these questions, but are areas that should be considered.

During a separation it is so important to be aware of the emotional challenges of this temporary arrangement. Sleeping alone when you’re used to having your partner beside you, even if it was tense, can be a big trigger for sadness, insecurity and anger, feeling abandoned, alone and fearful. The limitations communication can have a similar impact as it may not be helpful to pick up the phone each time you miss your partner. That’s why having regular couples therapy sessions is so important to share and process these feelings constructively, allowing each party to feel heard and be helped to understand what lies beneath the initial overarching emotion.

The main point in making a decision to separate is to know why you are doing it in the first place. I hope the above gives a bit of understanding about how to make an informed decision and make the most use out of taking space from each other. There’s no shame in needing some space to get your head together and take things at a slower and more management pace. That’s really what a separation is for and how it can be most helpful. Separation should never simply be a step toward divorce, but a way to work on the relationship in a different and more manageable way than has been allowed for up until that point.

So in summary, if you decide that a separation is the best next step in working on your relationship, agree on a time-frame, have regular check-ins and hang-out times, attend weekly couples therapy, and set expectations clearly so both of you are aware of what is expected during this time apart.