Anita Jacob

Lately I’ve been struck in my sessions by the power of secrets. Conversely, I’ve been amazed at how once a secret is shared and recognised for what it is, it loses the power it held for so long.

As a therapist I have the privilege of listening. Listening to stories of tragedy, abuse, heartbreak and rejection, often over and over again in a single life. So often there’s fear or shame attached to these events, either a fear of not being believed, or a shame that they allowed something to happen or that they are somehow broken because of it. There’s also often a sense of shame that, though years later, they are still being impacted by something that happened so long ago. They wonder why they aren’t over it already and why the person/people who hurt them so many years ago still somehow hold this power over them though they are no longer in their life.

I often feel the responsibility, too, as I own the power I have as a therapist. I am being trusted with so much vulnerability, being looked at with such fear and hope as if asking, ‘do you believe what I’m saying?’, ‘will you reject me, too?’ As I validate their experience and express care and concern, horrified that something so terrible could happen to them, and validating their sense of worth, I see their body relax. I’ve passed the test, I’ve seen them for who they really are, not for what’s been done to them or what they have experienced, but for being worthy of love just for being human.

Sometimes clients don’t even know they’ve been holding a secret until, like detectives, we trace back triggers to find the roots of where they have come from. Once they land on this thing that seems to have a life of it’s own, the door of realization opens and they share what feels like a clue in what was a mystery. Things start to make sense as this secret fills the room and then slowly, sometimes over several sessions, settles and becomes something small enough to hold in the hand, to look at and explore. What did this mean about who they were, who they are, the meaning they make of the world and who they are in it.

I have found that no matter how dark the secret, how intense the struggle, once spoken and shared, there is relief. “I’ve finally told someone and I’m still okay.” It feels like a sacred space to hear the words, “I’ve never told anyone this before.” It’s an honour to hold that space and witness the freedom that comes with sharing.

Secrets become so powerful because of the meaning that is put on them. Secrets, by their very nature, have power. If this thing is shared, something bad could happen – someone could get into trouble or get hurt, people could think badly of you or someone else, something/someone will be taken away (like attention or affection). Keeping the secret means nothing has to change and no-one can make a judgment. This can feel safer as it is familiar and known versus what is unknown and scary.