Anita Jacob

As Halloween is just around the corner, It’s the season for ghosts and all things spooky… but the kind I’m thinking about are not the cute Casper’s or spooky ghosts that haunt old mansions. The kind I’m talking about come in the form of ghosting when you decide you don’t want to have someone in your life anymore.

I don’t know about you, but it feels to me like this term suddenly came out of nowhere and has since become a commonplace term for when you block someone’s number and just stop responding – giving the not so subtle hint that you don’t want to be friends anymore.

When I first heard that this was a thing, I was horrified – “You mean you just ignore them and don’t give them any explanation about what they did wrong and how to make it better???” It sounded inhumane, torturous and cowardly… but then when I got past my horror, I was able to explore why this may seem like the best option for some.

When it comes to ghosting, I usually see this in dating relationships and sometimes in friendships where things haven’t been good for some time and one party is just ready to be done.

Here are some of the most common reasons I hear for why people ghost someone:

• I’m just not interested anymore! The assumption here is that the other person doesn’t need/deserve an explanation! – this is usually in the context of dating someone new where it’s assumed that if they don’t respond, they are no longer interested.
• It doesn’t matter what they say because I’ve already made up my mind. – often someone has been hurt multiple times by someone and has decided they can’t be in that relationship/friendship anymore. Sometimes there’s a fear that if they talk it out, they may change their mind.
• They should have got the hint already so I don’t need to say more – it shouldn’t be a surprise! – Instead of talking through things they assume the message has already been sent that the relationship/friendship is over. The hints may have been very clear or much more subtle and may indeed be a surprise for the other person.
• And the most popular one – I don’t know what I’d tell them, this is just easier. The classic conflict-avoider! It may be hard, so this is an easier option – the person will get over it eventually!

As you can imagine, I find it hard to accept that ghosting is the best option in almost any situation (outside of abusive relationships) As a therapist I spend much of my time teaching people how to communicate with each other – how to listen, how to share one point at a time, how to work through conflict and move past difficult things to get to a place of understanding. I run into all sorts of barriers, whether it be an unresolved anger issue, fear of being rejected or hurt, past experiences where things didn’t go so well.

Regardless of what the issues, allowing for dialogue is so important. Having difficult conversations with people builds that sense of confidence and autonomy as it strengthens that sense of individuality – “this is me, these are my opinions, this is what I want, this is how I deserve to be treated!” These are okay things to say even if someone else doesn’t like them. It’s actually really important to be able to express what you don’t like about how someone treats you and to expect to be respected in a relationship. While it’s not easy to know that you’ve hurt someone by pointing out their flaws or things they’ve done that have hurt you, this can create a sense of closure if you are truly done with the relationship, but it can also create a place to start to improve the relationship.

My thoughts generally go to the place that everyone deserves an explanation about why things have changed in a relationship. This doesn’t mean that they need to accept it or agree with it, and it doesn’t have to be a line by line account of everything that has gone wrong. This can be one line, or a feeling that you share. Just a simple statement can allow both of you to move on rather than being haunted by questions for weeks, months and sometimes years to come!