Anita Jacob

When we think of having pre-teens and teens we often think of the mood swings, the increased independence, the attitude and having to chauffer the kids around to even more activities and events. One thing I know many parents don’t think about until it’s happening, is when the kids start going to bed at about the same time as the parents. Where did that precious time go after kids are asleep and it’s time for the adults to connect?

I’ve heard so many mums tell me that their teens talk most when it’s bedtime (or after!). That’s when they hear how their child is actually feeling, what they are struggling with or who did what at school that day. You get a treasure trove of information that’s a far cry from the one word answers you get on the drive home from school! It’s valuable time that you don’t want to miss out on, but it also means that other things get sacrificed. Perhaps this was the time you and your partner really felt like you could talk without the kids interrupting or listening in to private conversations… or maybe this was just a time of connection, watching a show that’s just for the two of you or sharing some much needed intimacy.

This change tends to creep up as bedtime shifts later and later and, before you know it, you’re kissing them goodnight while yawning and dreaming of your own much needed sleep!

It’s so important to notice the changes in routine and what is getting lost with these shifts. It’s easy to just feel frustrated, spent, poured out and empty, while not really understanding why, except that “there’s so much to do” all the time! You may begin to feel disconnected from your partner, like there’s no time for just the two of you, and this can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. It’s important to take notice and do something about it before it gets to a point of hopelessness and resignation. There is always something that can be done though this may not be immediately clear!

Recognizing the feeling is the first step and checking-in with your partner to see if they are feeling the same way is important, too. Identify the ways that you most feel connected with each other, and get creative! What did you used to enjoy doing together that may have been forgotten? Perhaps you can regain a version of this even if it may not look the same.

Though you may value spontaneity, you may need to do more planning ahead to allow the two of you to get that valuable time of connection. Do you have friends who can take the kids for an evening occasionally, possibly trading and taking their kids on another evening! Rethink what may be possible with older kids. Are they old enough for you and your partner to leave them home alone while the two of you take a 30 minute walk?

It’s so important to connect with your kids and to give them the time to talk when they feel like talking, but it’s also important to keep that connection in your marriage and keep that as a priority. One shouldn’t mean sacrificing the other. I know it’s a lot and can feel like an endless juggling act, but you can do this! These years feel like they go slowly when you’re in the day to day, but they really go by so fast, and it’s best done as a team!