Anita Jacob

How true is this? I’ve listened to people so often say how they are admired and respected at work, people want to talk to them, they are sought out as a listening ear or as a source of wisdom, but at home they feel like they can’t do anything right!

“At work people want to hear what I have to say, they even seek me out to get my opinion!”

“People think I’m funny, they want to be around me!”

It’s so hard to understand why in some places you can be perceived in such a different way than in another place… and the truth is, you are the same person! The person you’re being at work is the person your partner fell in love with before all the baggage and resentment started to build up. People often wonder why there is such a discrepancy between the two situations. At work, or with family and friends, there aren’t the same expectations, and therefore are not the same disappointments that come with your intimate partner relationship.

Unfortunately, when you live with someone and share responsibilities, inevitably there will be conflicts and hurts. Where there once were hours-long conversations about either nothing at all or your deepest darkest secrets, now there are children to take care of or chores to be done. Where there once were long walks and dinner dates, now there’s a quick kiss in the morning as you run out the door and picking up take-out on the way home.

But, you are the same person you were back then, it’s just harder to see that person at home amidst the conflicts and responsibilities. You have probably become more quick to express frustration, more defensive and less fun on a day-to-day basis as life stresses and resentments have crept in.

So, apart from having the stars align perfectly, how can this fun-loving, respected, knowledgeable person return? The answer isn’t clear-cut and you won’t ever get back to exactly how it was early on in the relationship, but here are a few suggestions on how to make it a little easier:

• Be intentional about spending quality time together both as a family and just as a couple. Some couples find it helpful to purposely avoid topics that are challenging or that usually lead to arguments during these times and instead just focus on having fun together and rebuilding that sense of connection.
• Create structure around things that have to be done so that it doesn’t feel like there’s always something to be done right now. Creating routines and rituals can be helpful – Friday night is movie night, Tuesday night is Chinese take-away! Try and take the stress out of the constant grind by introducing routines. This can be fun, too!
• On the way home from work, prepare yourself mentally for getting home. Try and let go of what has happened during the day. Anticipate what is likely to happen when you arrive home, not what you ideally would like to happen. Don’t wait for your spouse to ask you how your day was, offer the information when they seem ready to listen. If you work from home, go for a walk between work time and family time to create that sense of transition and to clear your head.

And finally, sometimes it’s just too hard to try and get back something that seems to be lost, and you may need someone to help direct these conversations. Both of you could use help to understand what is going on beneath the surface that seems to bubble up all too often. There’s no shame in this, it actually is very brave and really smart to know when there’s something you can’t do on your own. Just like you would call an electrician to fix an electrical issue, calling a counsellor to help with a relational problem just makes sense! It’s complicated and you’re not supposed to know how to do it alone!