Anita Jacob

Wouldn’t it be nice to always know exactly what you need at any given moment… to be able to say, “it would help me if…”, or “I just need a little space!” Unfortunately, this isn’t the case for many people and good intentioned partners are left guessing and often frustrated about how they can help.

So often in my work with couples I ask the question during an autopsy of a recent argument, “what did you need in that moment?”, and I get the response of, “I don’t know!” I keep asking because it then leads into a deeper dive of discovering what could have been helpful, or what need was unmet that made things worse.

Even if the emotion has nothing to do with the relationship and is due to other family stress, work, or a loss or sadness about something in the news or on social media, it is important to understand yourself and how you can be supported through it.

Each person is different and has different needs when emotional. Some people have the urge to hug someone when they see that someone is sad because that’s what they would want, while others just want to be left alone to process through the sadness until they are ready to talk about it.

It is important to think about this when you’re not in an emotional place so that you can tell your partner what is most helpful the next time it happens. What I have noticed is that when a person sees their partner distressed, if they can’t do anything to help, this can lead to feelings of helplessness and frustration because all they want to do is to make their partner feel good and secure, but they don’t know how to do this in the moment and whatever they try gets met with hostility.

A good way to understand what you need is to ask yourself how you tend to comfort others when they feel down. If your tendency is to sit with them and just be available in the silence in case they want to talk, then this is probably what you would want. If you find that you naturally give people space, feeling like they will come to you when they are ready to talk, then that’s likely to be how you feel. Perhaps it differs depending on if you are feeling stressed or sad. If stressed, maybe you want to talk it out with someone and just feel listened to, but when sad, perhaps you just want a hug and then to be left alone.

Whatever way you prefer, have something to tell your partner when they ask, “what do you need?” or “how can I help?” Even if you say something and then realize, ‘no, I actually needed something else’, great! Share this with your partner and keep checking-in with yourself to figure out what is most comforting and helpful in the moment.

Much of relationship is about feeling needed and feeling like we can create a secure place for our partner and for vulnerable emotions. This drives each of us to want to comfort or fix when we see our partner in a difficult or emotional place. Not being able to do this can create anxiety, stress, feelings of helplessness or powerlessness, and can cause us to feel more distant from our partner if we feel pushed away or inadequate. Recognizing this and doing the hard work of exploring your needs can go a long way to establishing more connection and less insecurity in the relationship. When you’ve truly felt comforted by your partner, you’ll experience a greater connection than you knew was possible. This requires vulnerability and can be quite scary, but also creates such a sense of safety when done well.

Take the time to learn about yourself and what you need, and then communicate this to your partner. It may take some time and a few rounds to get it right, but it will be worth it in the end. Take care!