Anita Jacob

Have you ever tried to have a conversation with your partner that quickly devolves into hurt feelings and anger… and you really have no idea how such a petty thing could lead to so much emotion?

I was listening to a couple describe a recent argument the other day and I could see as plain as day how each one had reacted not to what was being said in the moment, but to what they were feeling. After some investigating and needling (on my part), each partner was able to see how this pattern repeats frequently in the relationship and how they don’t ever get to a place of actually resolving the issue.

See if you can relate:

Sara: I just got invited to a party this weekend so I’ll be out Saturday night!

Adam: Wait, this Saturday? So I won’t be seeing you? Who are you going with?

Sara: I don’t need your permission to go out with my friends! Wow, you can be so controlling sometimes! (she walks away)

Adam: (feeling like she’s pulling away) I didn’t mean it like that! You’re so selfish! You never think of anyone but yourself!

In this example, both partners are reading into what the other person is saying or to the tone in their voice or body language. Something about this interaction triggered an emotional response in each partner. She felt like he was trying to control her. He felt like she was abandoning him.

The obvious question here is, why did this happen? How did a simple interaction turn into the attack-defend or withdraw-withdraw pattern. If staying on the surface, both partners would say there’s no reason why they don’t trust the other and they don’t fear the relationship falling apart or ending, so why so much emotion?

In situations like this there is often an undertone of distrust and a sense of inevitability. A distrust that this person will in fact hurt you like you’ve been hurt before, and the inevitability that things will end as you really truly believed they would the entire time! Every injury is further confirmation that the inevitable will happen and is getting closer.

This may seem drastic, and may be a little dramatic, but a version of this story is so common and is often lurking under the surface in many relationships. Thankfully, over time and in a healthy relationship, these fears can become less intense as the relationship becomes a reparative one where the inevitable doesn’t happen often enough that you start to believe that maybe it never will. Trust builds and security is more established with only occasional bouts of the old patterns reemerging.

In the moment, being able to take a step back and recognise what you know you so often do, would be helpful. If you know you struggle with your partner going out without you, try and understand what you feel and why. Are you worried they’ll have more fun without you than with you? Will they forget about you or find someone else? Do you resent them for having friends when you don’t have many? Whatever it may be, it’s important to understand it and instead of reacting, own the emotion and talk from a place of vulnerability – not always easy, I know. If you have this knee-jerk reaction whenever you feel like your partner is trying to control you, again, step back and investigate what this feels like and why? Have you felt this way in previous relationships? Do you fear losing your independence or autonomy? Do you feel suffocated in your relationship or like you can’t be yourself? I will say it again, own it and talk about it with your partner.

The sooner you are able to recognize your triggers and identify the challenges in trusting your partner, the sooner you can move forward into a genuine and honest relationship. This takes work and can take a long time, but you will see the benefits and feel the intimacy between you deepen as you go through this process.

If you feel like you just can’t get to a place of trust or struggle to untangle the emotions, please find a professional who can help. You really can be free of the confusion and feel more in control of your emotions.