Anita Jacob

When I was working in a clinic with adults with severe and persistent mental illness, there was an older couple who would come to the clubhouse and all the social a therapy groups. They were the sweetest couple, each with their own mental health issues. They were quiet, would speak only when spoken to, hang out in the corner, just the two of them, and looked like they were so content and just happy to be together. Quite suddenly, the husband got sick, and shortly after, he died. We were all so scared for the wife, not sure how she would survive without him. We’d all heard of people dying from a broken heart and would not have been surprised at all if she had followed suit. Much to our surprise, after just a few weeks, she started to come to events on her own. She would hang out in the clubhouse, engage in the groups, and she quickly became the life of the party! She could make everyone laugh, she spoke her mind when she had an opinion, and it looked like she was living again after a long time of being hidden away. We were so happy to see her so full of life, but also sad that it took the death of her husband for her to find this part of herself again.

It is so easy to lose parts of ourselves when in a relationship, trying to please the other person, busy running here and there, keeping all the balls in the air, passing up (again) on the opportunity to do something we’d really like to do. Sometimes, we don’t even realize what’s happened until many years down the road.

This isn’t anyone’s fault. Often, once patterns in a relationship have been established, it’s really hard to get out of them. If, at first, you took on roles and responsibilities in the relationship, those will often just continue unless someone decides to change them, even if it was never meant to be a long-term thing in the first place.

Sometimes, one person in the couple has stronger opinions, a more dominant, intense or intimidating personality, or is just used to getting their way more. In this case, it’s easy for the quieter or more laid back one to give in to the demands of the other. This may create more peace, less conflict, and fewer arguments, but can also result in one partner becoming a shell of themselves without even realizing it.

Whatever the case may be, it’s important to maintain your sense of self. Sometimes I ask people who they really are inside, and they have no idea! I remember one of the most powerful therapy sessions I had the privilege of being a part of followed the simple question of, “Who are you?” The session involved my client bringing a whole list of things he had written down about who he was that he had forgotten about. This inspired him to rediscover himself and pursue dreams he had forgotten he had. Soon after this we ended therapy as he was moving to a new city to pursue his rediscovered passion!

You may wonder how two people both maintain their sense of self without creating a lot of conflict in the relationship. Isn’t relationship about compromise, giving in and letting go? Yes and no! Relationship is about working together with someone, finding ways for both of you to express yourselves and making sure that you both feel heard, then proceeding from a place of respect and togetherness.

If you feel like you are always the one giving in and letting go of what you would prefer or you just have no idea anymore what you want, you may need to look at yourself and ask why you tend to do this. Do you not feel like you deserve to get your way? It may cause you feelings of guilt or uneasiness. Are you worried that your partner will leave if you don’t make them happy? Perhaps you just want there to be peace in the relationship as conflict is uncomfortable or scary for you. There are also the social pressures and gender roles that play a part in this and may have been part of the messages you received as a child. Whatever it is, it’s important to share how you feel with your partner to talk through the dynamics in the relationship and safeguard each person’s individuality. If you feel like you just can’t move past it, it’s too scary or the risk is too great, you may need to seek professional help to work through the origins of these beliefs and feelings. You’d be surprised at how many people struggle in this way and how negatively it can impact their most important relationships.

You deserve to be loved for who you are, quirks and all! This doesn’t mean you won’t strive to be better and work on smoothing out the prickly parts, but that you are loveable even though you might be prickly at times! Don’t let insecurities or fear get in the way of allowing yourself to be yourself!