Do you ever feel that though you are talking, nobody is really listening? I think we can all probably identify with this feeling in some relationships and at some point in life.
You might be surprised at how often I sit with a couple and observe that it appears that two separate conversations are happening though the couple seems to be talking to each other! One partner is saying how they feel and what bothered them about something while the other is explaining the circumstances around an incident and what they were thinking at the time. Often, even after I point it out to them, they are oblivious to the disconnect. Finally, when I ask how they feel in the moment, they both express feeling misunderstood or unheard, often expressing frustration or hopelessness that this always happens! This is why at the end of a therapy session I often ask each partner if they felt heard during the session today.
Emotions typically get in the way of fully hearing or understanding what your partner is saying. Either you’re frustrated or building your defense because you feel attacked, or you may feel confused because you don’t know where certain feelings or accusations are coming from. Whatever it may be, it’s important to be present and be sure your partner is present if trying to talk about something that’s important to you.
A seemingly simple practice can help to address the problem of not being heard. It is called ‘Active Listening’. This is something that is done before a problem can be solved and looks something like this:
Talker: Share a problem that you have and how it makes you feel. Try and be concise so there’s not too much for your partner to try and remember.
Listener: Repeat back what you heard the Talker saying including the feeling they expressed. Finish by asking, “did I miss anything?”
Talker: Clarify if anything was missed and repeat what you originally said that was missed until the Listener gets it. Continue with the next point repeating these steps until your points have all been heard correctly.
Once this is done effectively, switch roles until both partners are satisfied that they have been heard and their feelings have been recognized for what they are.
One important note here is that this exercise is only for the purpose of fully understanding the message that your partner is trying to convey. Repeating back what is heard is not agreeing with or accepting that the other person is right. Problem-solving, if needed, comes after both partners fully feel heard. This can be done using the same exercise to mitigate arguing or misconstruing what each partner is saying.
So what does this look like in real life? Here’s a simple example:
Talker: I know next weekend your family is having an all-day get-together and wants us to be there. I often feel like you ignore me when we are with your family and I don’t get along that well with your sister. I wish you’d be okay with only going for a short time or going without me.
Listener: I hear you say that you feel like I ignore you when we visit my family. You don’t get along with my sister and don’t want to see her. Did I get everything?
Talker: No, it’s not that I don’t want to see her or your family. I just wish we could go for a short time or if you want to stay all day that you could go by yourself.
Listener: Okay, so you want to either go for a short time or want me to go by myself if I want to stay all day. Is that right?
Talker: Yes, that’s right.
So, in this situation, I’m sure you can see how easily this could turn into an argument of, “you don’t like my family”, or, “you always choose your family over me!” There’s certainly more to be discussed around this issue, but starting this way can ensure that the basic information that needs to be addressed is heard without being misunderstood. His response may be something like this:
Talker: I don’t get to see my family very often when everyone’s together. I know you struggle with my sister, but I’d really like you to come. I feel torn between taking care of you and spending time with them.
Listener: You want me to go though you know I don’t get along with your sister. Is that it?
Talker: Yes, but also I feel in the middle between taking care of you and wanting to see them.
Listener: Okay, so you feel like you have to decide between taking care of me and seeing your family. Is that right?
Talker: Yes, that’s right.
Again, this is a very simple example, but hopefully you can see how each person knows that the message they are sending is getting received.
If you’ve ever played the game, ‘Telephone’, you will remember that the message at the end is very different than the message sent at the beginning of the group. The first person in the line may say something like, “I fed all the chickens last night and they all laid eggs this morning.” The last person in the line will have heard, “I ate some chicken last night and woke up with eggs in my hair!” Not exactly the message that was sent though a couple of keywords are the same.
Effective communication is all about sending a message, with that same message being received. It isn’t easy as there are so many barriers and mitigating factors around this. That is why it needs practice and simple tools to help along the way.
I hope this helps, and happy communicating!
Anita Jacob 
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