Anita Jacob

Making the decision to get help for problems in a relationship can be scary. It can feel vulnerable and like you’re letting others into the intimacies and vulnerabilities of a sacred thing. I’ve heard individuals say that it feels like a betrayal, hearing their partner tell all about their most recent fight, or of their struggles in the bedroom.

These feelings often lead to one person coming to therapy when there really should be two. It’s been interesting doing couples therapy when only half of the couple is in the room. In these cases the individual is usually motivated to work on their own issues, trying to work on their part of the problems to address what they know they can while hoping this is enough to change the negative patterns in the relationship. While this has clear benefits for the individual, reducing the impact of negative cycles in the relationship, and building more resilience to struggles, it only goes so far, but I still encourage individuals to attend no matter what since we all have areas that need work!

If you find yourself having the conversation with your partner about therapy and feel like they aren’t as interested or willing as you are, I would encourage the two of you to consider a few things that may help.

Things to know as you think about starting couples therapy:

• Going to couples therapy does not mean you are close to splitting up – it actually helps to keep couples together! This seems obvious, but there’s often a belief that only couples about ready to separate go to couples therapy just to be able to say “We tried everything and it still didn’t work!” In fact, the sooner you work on issues, the least likely it is that you will end up apart.
• Start by committing to a set number of sessions to see how it goes before committing to more. This can feel less daunting as you know at the start it doesn’t have to be for an unknown amount of time and you can reassess and recommit as you go.
• Be open with the therapist about how each of you feel about being there so that you can talk about it and get some questions answered. This can also help to create clear goals so that you will be able to measure if things are actually getting better.
• Know that you don’t have to stick with the first therapist you find if you don’t feel comfortable with them. Therapists often offer a free 10-15 minute consultation where you get to meet them on video or by phone to see if you feel comfortable and feel like they can help with your specific issues. Then you can decide how you want to proceed.
• Know that what you tell your therapist is confidential. Only under specific circumstances, that the therapist will go over with you, will they have to share anything about what you say with anyone else. Understand that your therapist has probably worked with lots of couples and has heard many stories and issues. What you share won’t shock them!
• Therapists tend to approach clients through a lens of compassion. Instead of judgment, they see your issues as a result of what you’ve experienced and been through in life. You don’t have to worry about being judged though they will explore with you why you think and behave the way you do to more fully understand current problems and dynamics in the relationship.

I could write so much more here on this topic, but this is a good place to start. Some people feel more comfortable with the idea of going to therapy than others. Many people have gone to therapy on their own in the past so they know what to expect, while others are hesitant to take that step as they don’t know what to expect.

From my experience, clients are quite anxious when they first come in, but as the session goes on, they feel more comfortable, and in the end, feel relieved and glad they have somewhere just to be themselves, grateful for a place to unload and speak freely, knowing they will be heard. Couples therapy can be a little different as the dynamic is different. The therapy room is often where things gets flushed out from the past – arguments get revisited and honest feelings are shared. As the therapy progresses, the therapy changes as more positive experiences are shared. I hear of the successes – how an argument was avoided as each partner heard each other and spoke from a true emotional place instead of an angry place, accepting comfort and finding connection instead of the usual tension and disconnection.

Not all couples therapy ends up with a more connected and happy couple. Sometimes it leads to a couple agreeing that they would be happier apart. Therapy helps provide a safe place to talk about this and make sure each person is heard, as well as talking about what splitting up will look like and what the next steps are.

Whatever the case may be, I hope you are able to find a way to work through the struggles in your relationship and build on the foundation that brought you together in the first place.