Anita Jacob

As a kid I imagined myself being an entomologist when I great up, working for the government stationed in the rainforest discovering new species of beetles – I know, I know… who would ever want to do that for a living? but I was obsessed with beetles. I thought they were the most beautiful of creatures. They are shiny and tough and there are so many different types. I caught a few and pinned them to a big board for my fourth grade science project. Others I just caught because I wanted to look at them and study them, and then I’d let them go again.

Unfortunately, in high school I started to struggle with math and I found that science was much harder than it had been in younger years, so my dreams of naming my own species of beetle vanished!

You may well say, “Well, that’s just life!” and that is the truth, we often don’t get what we want in life and have to recalibrate and figure out how to turn the corner and go in a different direction. This becomes much more difficult when everything looks like it’s heading in the right direction… the degree, the interviews, the perfect job that ends up being nothing like you expected… the perfect partner, the wedding, the house, and then infertility!

These types of things can create such a sense of doubt, can wreck your sense of confidence… what was known and understood now feels confusing and uncertain. They can try your faith, your belief in God and in yourself. Old wounds can come to the surface, voices you thought were silenced long ago, and fears you hadn’t experienced for years now creep back in.

There are exactly the times to lean into your primary relationship and to those who support you and you trust. I know many people withdraw or turn on each other in times of stress. The emotions need somewhere to go, and instead of expressing hurt and sadness, anger is what comes out. Often this looks like blame. The trouble is, our natural instinct is to try and make sense of bad or difficult things that happen even if this is not possible. If we don’t have a good reason, we grasp for something or someone to blame for what has happened. “If only you listened to me!” or “If only you had gone to the doctor sooner!” When in a logical place you know that this wouldn’t have made a difference and wouldn’t have changed the current situation, but it gives you somewhere to put all the intense and often scary emotions.

If you’re the one on the receiving end, it can be tremendously difficult to stay present and calm. The instinct is to defend and return the attack. You will probably be struggling with your own emotions about the situation, too, which makes this all the more difficult.

The goal here is to stay present, stay engaged and be able to be there with each other in it. You are each other’s most important ally, probably the only person who will truly be able to understand and empathize with how you are felling.

Here are a few suggestions on how to stay present in the midst of intense emotion:

• Have compassion for yourself and your partner, knowing the stress you are both experiencing. It’s easy to get caught up in the hurtful words, tone and anger, so, on the receiving end, if you can speak to the emotion that you know is there, it can disarm your partner and bring them the comfort they really are looking for.
• If you’re feeling angry, try and identify the primary emotion and share about it. Anger is often what we see and feel most obviously, but anger is a secondary emotion – it is what comes out when a deeper emotion is felt. Often behind anger is hurt, sadness, disappointment, hopelessness. If you can be vulnerable enough to share these feelings, you will feel more in control and probably more seen and heard by your partner.
• Physical touch can be incredibly powerful in bringing connection and a sense of safety and control. A touch on the shoulder can create a sense of grounding. A warm hug can diffuse anger and bring out the softer emotions that just need a safe place to allow them to be expressed.
• Commit to talking about the emotions, agreeing to allow the space for this as often as is needed. If either of you feel like you can’t be that person for the other as often as they need it, encourage other support networks (friends, family, a therapist).

One final note: just because you understand the underlying emotions of what your partner is feeling, doesn’t mean that they can treat you however they want. If they are mistreating you, take care of yourself, be sure you are safe and seek the help you need. It’s okay to set boundaries about what is okay and what isn’t in your relationship.

I hope you never find yourself in a struggle like this, but if you are, I hope you can find solace and connection with the one who is with you through it. Instead of pushing each other away, take the risk of drawing closer.