Anita Jacob

We are all familiar with how buttons work – not the kind that does up a cardigan, but the kind that switches on the TV, adjusts the volume or makes Mario jump when you press it. Pushing a button causes a reaction (if everything is working as it should). Cause and effect! Push the button and you know what’s supposed to happen. So what would happen if you were given a remote control with no words or instructions on it? You push a button and who knows what you’ll get?

Imagine that this is your partner. Imagine that this is you, too! Often we aren’t even aware of our own buttons and how close to the surface they are. We only realize we have a button when something gets said or done and, BAM, we react!

What do I mean when I refer to having buttons? These are the types of things that create an emotional response in us, often without fully understanding why. They are feelings that are triggered around a specific hurt or offense. These can include feeling disrespected, feeling the threat of abandonment, feeling like someone thinks you’re dumb, or not feeling heard or understood.

When it’s a button that’s being pushed, the emotional reaction often appears to be out of proportion to the offense by the person who is witnessing or feeling the brunt of it. They often don’t understand why what they said or did caused you to react the way you did. You may wonder the same thing once you’ve calmed down and you may ask yourself why you had such an intense reaction.

Buttons are a result of past unresolved hurts. You may not have had the authority or words to speak up when a parent told you you were dumb as a kid, or when you were constantly compared to a sibling who just understood things faster than you did. Perhaps you moved around a lot or had a parent who often travelled for work, so you are sensitive to abandonment and losing people you care about. You might have been brought up in a family or culture where respect was a huge value, so when you feel disrespected by your kids you feel like you have no control or say in the family.

Whatever it may be, it is up to you to more fully understand the themes of what you are reacting to. Your partner will likely have some opinions of what these are, too, if you dare to ask! So let’s look at how we work on the buttons that you know you have.

How to recognize and work on your buttons:

• Become aware of your buttons by reflecting on what causes you to feel the most intense feelings and react out of those emotions.
• Try and isolate the emotion. What feeling was it that came up for you. If this is hard for you, there are many feelings words lists you can look up to help you put a word to the emotion.
• Identify if you have beliefs you have formed around this button. i.e. “I really am stupid”, “nobody ever sticks around – they always leave”. These can cause you to push people away who you truly love.
• Challenge the negative beliefs by telling yourself truths about what is your recent experience and what trusted friends and loved one have told you or, more importantly, shown you! i.e. “If they wanted to leave, they would have left a long time ago!”, or “Just because my parents didn’t see my potential, doesn’t mean I have nothing to offer!”
• Practice self-compassion. Acknowledge the damage that was done by hurtful comments, neglect or abandonment (real or perceived).
• Own your responses and share your new insights with your partner. This can help to take the sting out of reactions that may continue to happen for a bit while you practice these steps many times over.
• Finally, if you find yourself struggling to find freedom from these buttons, seek help from a qualified counsellor or therapist. Sometimes there’s just too much to figure out all on your own.

Buttons can be so damaging in relationships as they are often pushed without any malintent and the reactions are hard to understand or explain away in the moment. Instead of owning our reactions we get defensive or angry, like we are being backed into a corner. If you can gain an understanding of what is really going on and speak from that place, it can go such a long way in mending hurt feelings and bringing closeness and connection back into the relationship. It’s sad to recognize the true impact of our past, but this doesn’t mean it has to continue to dictate our behaviour in the present.

I love this quite by Mary Buchan as it is so true. We can’t know what to work on if we haven’t become aware of the sensitive areas of ourselves!

“The good thing about having our buttons pushed is that we can no longer ignore the sensitive areas where we need to heal.”
― Mary Buchan, Over iT: How to Live Above Your Circumstances and Beyond Yourself

Healing is possible and so freeing. I hope for freedom for each of you, freedom to choose your responses and freedom to love well!