Anita Jacob

“We had a whole conversation and didn’t fight!”

“We went out for dinner and didn’t even argue once!”

It certainly is a sad state of affairs when not fighting becomes the new ‘good’ in your relationship or marriage!

I worked with a couple who most weeks would come in eager to share how their partner had been mean or how they had argued again and how, no matter what they do, someone starts something and the moment is ruined. It was rare that they would say, “this week was good, we didn’t argue (much!)”.

Early on in relationships it’s relatively easy to have a good time with the person we are learning to love or considering a future with. We are doe-eyed and conversations are deep and meaningful and create such a sense of connection like nothing we’ve ever felt before! But once things get more serious and decisions have to be made about life, it’s impossible to stay in that place of ignorant bliss! Life gets in the way, and the things that we didn’t realize were major differences between us now often become the star of the show!

It’s not possible to anticipate what each of these problem areas will be, and there will always be those topics where you will never agree, no matter how many conversations you have about it. It’s also important to recognise that fights often have very little to do with what’s actually being talked about and is much more about how someone feels in that moment.

The goal in any relationship is to create a sense of emotional safety, where anything is open for discussion and where there is not the threat of pain if emotion is expressed or if there is disagreement about the topic at hand. Safety can look like a lot of different things, but these are the main aspects I focus on with my clients that help to create that sense of emotional safety in their relationships:

• Hear what your partner says without judgment or criticism. Be sure you hear the words before you insert your own meaning onto them so that you can see through their lens, not your own.
• Explore the emotion if it is expressed. Don’t assume you know why your partner is getting emotional. This is a good indication that more is going on under the surface. Often understanding your own and your partners emotions can take the ‘zing’ out of an otherwise hurtful statement because it allows us to enter into the pain of our partner and pulls us in, seeking to comfort our partner.
• Respond instead of react – this means thinking first about how you say what you want to say. If it’s critical, is there a way to say it kindly? The goal is for your partner to be able to accept what you say, believing you care about them in that moment. This means you don’t use labels, you don’t shame or belittle and you work at safeguarding the connection between you.
• Keep it about the one who’s sharing. I’m sure you know people who will turn anything around to make the conversation about them. If your partner is sharing, ask questions, let them know you’re interested, and if you share about something relatable, keep it short and encourage your partner to share more. If you then want to add to it, ask if they have anything else to say, or if you can share about how you think or feel about what has been said.

As you think about feeling emotionally safe in your relationship, make note of the things that you really like about what your partner does or says, and share with your partner what they do that makes you feel safe and secure. This is especially important if you’ve asked your partner to make changes and they are working on doing these. Let them know that you see it and are grateful for it.

As you work on these areas of building more emotional safety in your relationship, maybe you can have more experiences of ‘not fighting’ and enjoy more of the things you do together.