Anita Jacob

How different can two people be and still make for a good marriage? We’ve all heard the saying, “Opposites attract”, but after years of working with couples, I’m not sure the attraction of opposites is one that can be trusted. It’s not surprising that time and time again I’ve found that couples get along much better when they have more similarities than differences! Opposites seem to create a whole host of problems.

Unfortunately, it’s true that we are often attracted to what is opposite to us because it is fresh, new, exciting. It can make us feel alive. We don’t think about forever in those moments, just how good it feels in the present.

So, since many of us were attracted to someone opposite to us in many ways and yet chose to marry them anyway, how do we manage all the differences?

A couple of words come to mind… GRACE and FORGIVENESS! We must have both of these in abundance to make a relationship work with someone who is so different from us… and when I say forgiveness, it’s not because they actually do something wrong, but because they do something that feels wrong to us as it’s not our way of doing it!

Let’s unpack these two words that often get mistaken as only religious concepts or ideas, but are actually relevant to all of us.

What do grace and forgiveness look like in a marriage within the context of opposites?

• Grace – giving the benefit of the doubt, with compassion and an intentional seeking to understand the other person’s perspective. Don’t jump to conclusions, but seek to understand.
• Forgiveness – actively and intentionally letting go of what was not meant to hurt you, knowing the heart and nature of your partner. This involves clarifying intent, and taking a step back long enough to remember that you didn’t actually marry a malicious monster who’s out to get you! This is different from the kind of forgiveness needed when hurt was caused intentionally or due to lack of thought for one’s partner.

What might this look like in a marriage? I remember working with a couple who were so different in how they experienced and understood love. She valued getting things done, seeing him help with chores or helping with the kids. He, on the other hand, felt most loved when she acknowledged something he did well and through physical touch and intimacy. The first step in working with them was to identify what these things meant to each of them. I would hear things like, “I do my best, but it’s never good enough for her,” and she would respond, “why do you need a ‘thank you’ every time you wash a dish?”. He would say things like, “She won’t even hold my hand, and don’t even mention sex!” to which she would respond, “that’s all he ever wants, but when I feel so hurt that he makes me do everything around the house, that’s the last thing I want to do with him!”

Breaking this down into each person’s needs, and understanding that neither one of them was intentionally trying to hurt each other was really helpful for this couple. In them learning how to ask for what they needed more calmly, sharing what this meant to them, while also helping them to understand how they were different, went a long way. Grace looked like giving the benefit of the doubt – “he’s not sitting on the couch because he’s taking me for granted, but because he’s tired and wants to relax after work”, or “she doesn’t not love me because she’s not cuddling with me on the couch, she just has a hard time leaving the kitchen in a mess after dinner!” Forgiveness here may look like working through the hurt that is felt, and possibly talking about it, but not holding it over the other’s head or needing to cause hurt back. You might say it’s about letting things go, putting them in context and making a choice to accept what you know to be true.

This isn’t easy, but is definitely worth the effort and the exploration to more fully understand your dynamic and rediscover the foundation of your marriage.

So next time when you and your partner have a disagreement about how something should be done, or (should I say it…) politics… think about how you can extend grace and practice granting forgiveness, if not outwardly, at least inwardly in your heart. These things do tend to fester if not worked through, so do what you need to do to let it go and enjoy the opposites that attracted you to each other in the first place!