Anita Jacob

I recently travelled for vacation and am always thrown off by how quickly I forget what day of the week it is and how the time difference between home and my holiday destination affects my sense of equilibrium! Logically I understand what is going on, but my body and mind rebel, trying to tell me it’s time to sleep when I look at the clock and see it’s only 2:00 in the afternoon.

So how does this relate to relationships? How quickly can something that seems out of character for our partner completely dysregulate us? We tell ourselves we know them, how could they do something like this, how could they love us and know this would hurt us, and yet still do this one thing that hurts so badly? It’s confusing, we question ourselves, we can’t make sense of it so we keep asking again and again and again… and no answer we get is good enough as there’s always a lasting question that remains.

This isn’t only with the big offenses, an affair, an unearthed secret or devastating realization… this can be for things that could be viewed as minor offenses by some… but to us, it’s a huge deal. It hurts, it stays with us no matter how hard we try to forget it or pretend we’re past it. This person we put so much faith and trust in has caused us so much pain and yet we want to reconcile, to make amends and be good again. The question remains, how is this possible?

Forgiveness is not an easy topic and is challenging for anyone who’s ever been hurt, and yet it is a must for any relationship to get back to a place of peace and closeness. How can you really allow yourself to be close with someone you hold a grudge against? Somehow, being able to release the hold of that anger and move into a place of forgiveness is the only answer.

Often people misunderstand what forgiveness is. In my therapy office I often talk about this issue and am met with the same responses that “if I forgive him he’ll think it was okay”, or “If I forgive her she’ll just do it again”. People often assume that forgiving someone means going straight back into the same type of relationship you had before, but often that would be unhealthy and changes need to be made.

Forgiveness is not about letting people off the hook. Nor does it mean that you allow yourself to be hurt in that way again. Often with the discussion around forgiveness comes the discussion around boundaries and commitment… how to prevent the same patterns from repeating or reemerging. How to identify warning signs of similar behavior happening again and what to do to safeguard the relationship so that it doesn’t happen.

When trying to work through an offense or a hurt, it’s so important to work with your partner and express the reasons why something hurt the way it did. It’s not about making it okay or making excuses, but about creating connection, empathy and understanding, and about creating a roadmap for going forward.

Forgiveness is about releasing the anger and hold anger has on you. Rarely does it really benefit the other person (except that you might be nicer to them!). Primarily it creates a sense of freedom for yourself that allows you to move forward with the weight of the hurt pulling you down. This doesn’t mean that remembering the offense won’t cause you pain, but will allow you to understand it for what it is.

If you have gone through a major event where trust has been broken and you are experiencing a great deal of pain, I would encourage you to seek support regardless of what you hope the outcome will be. People can have a lot of opinions on how you should respond or what you should do, but they may not understand you and encourage you to pursue what is right for you. You don’t have to go through this alone and a support group or trained professional would be honoured to walk through this with you.