Anita Jacob

Relationships are all about taking risks. If you’ve ever been hurt before, you know how hard it is to trust and give of yourself again. In a way, it’s pretty stupid to give someone that much power over you. In life we expend so much energy trying to keep ourselves from pain, so why would we intentionally put ourselves in a position where we will most certainly get hurt?

The fact is, our brain is wired for connection. We don’t feel complete when we are alone, like something is missing. From our earliest moments we need connection for our survival as we can’t take care of even our most basic needs. Unfortunately, as we get older and experience the normal ups and downs of life, we start to wonder if we actually need others as much as we once did. We may not need them in the same way, but we still need them.

Anyone will tell you that heartbreak is hard to recover from. Most adults can understand this feeling and have an emotional tale to tell of when they experienced their first heartbreak. Yet they will also tell you how, even though the heartbreak was awful, they ventured into love again.

Perhaps this can explain why we continue to try and maintain so much control in relationships, always trying to keep from being hurt again. The problem is that as we try to protect ourselves, we inevitably keep those we hope to get close to at arms length. As we long for closeness, fear kicks in and we push them away. This is often followed by regret and self-deprication, longing for closeness, but fearing it at the same time! Over time, if we allow our partner to ‘prove’ themselves, we start to trust them and the fear of hurt isn’t as great. This doesn’t mean they will never hurt us again, but that when they do, it won’t feel like the world is ending because you know the relationship isn’t broken, it was just a bump in the road.

Any relationship is full of risk and will involve some level of hurt and pain. As you evaluate the risk listen to those who know you and love you. Is this something that is good for you? Learn to trust your instincts and pay attention to them. Evaluate your emotions and become aware of what your buttons are so you can understand if something is more about you or something negative about your partner.

I know it’s scary – probably one of the scariest things you can do in life – but it is also one of the most life giving and needed things in life. Finding someone you can count on, trust, and love wholeheartedly is a true gift and something to be embraced!