Anita Jacob

When we struggle with insecurity and self-doubt, it’s really hard to give of ourselves in relationships. It may feel like everything is a button that gets pushed at the slightest comment or criticism. Unfortunately in relationships, there will be things that bother our partner and that will need to be changed or addressed.

When we feel insecure it’s easy to become defensive when told that something we are doing is causing someone else pain or frustration. Your foundation is frail and criticism can feel like it can break you completely. Insecurity can come from so many things. You may hear the voice of a critical parent or of a bully or an ex-partner. You may even hear your own voice as you compare yourself to others you view as perfect or having everything together.

Even in the most secure or safest relationships, these voices still tend to rear their ugly heads, often seeming louder than any other voice. Your partner may be completely calm, yet something about how they say something or the look on their face causes you to react.

It’s so important to learn about your own buttons and what causes you to react to others. I often say that awareness creates choice – if you understand what your buttons are, you have more of a choice about what you do with them. You can learn to take cues from your body, as it often tells you before your brain does, if something feels wrong. That’s the time to check-in with yourself and see if you can understand what is causing a specific feeling.

If you are in a relationship that you know is safe and secure, over time you will feel more confident and the buttons will not be so near the surface. You will experience how your partner has stayed and continues to love you even when you’ve been hurtful or tried to push them away. These experiences over time can be very healing and encouraging as you continue to build trust in the relationship and in your partner.

I know this sounds over simplistic as your past will continue to impact you no matter how good the relationship is. The reactions may reduce in severity and you may be able to talk more openly about what is happening inside of you, but they most likely will not go away completely. If they continue to be detrimental to your relationship, or if you find you continually sabotage good times because you’re afraid, there may be deeper issues that need to ob addressed.

I encourage you to seek support and professional help to work through past events that continue to impact your relationship. If you’ve experienced trauma, you’re likely to be plagued by negative thoughts and beliefs, feelings you may not understand, and reactions that seem out of proportion to the event. Don’t let your past continue to get in the way of feeling secure and enjoying the security and love in your relationship that you so deserve. There is always hope!