Anita Jacob

Relationships don’t always feel equal. Don’t we assume when we marry or live with someone that responsibilities will be divided pretty much down the middle? He’ll do the vacuuming, she’ll clean the bathrooms, etc.. It can be a harsh reality that this is not usually how things happen.

There’s often a natural split in relationships based on each partner’s strengths – for some people, they may actually enjoy certain activities others find tedious and even repulsive! I’ve known plenty of people who enjoy cleaning and are particular in how they do it. For others it’s something they do when they feel anxious or stressed, as this makes them feel like they have some control and have accomplished something for the day.

Sometimes one partner is great at finances while the other struggles with money, but loves to do the cooking and planning meals. So what happens when it feels uneven. Perhaps you are naturally better at organization and completing tasks while your partner is more of a procrastinator or struggles with motivation. Then do you just do it all?

Here is what I’v’e seen play out so many times in my office:

Scenario A: Difference in Values: She likes to have things clean and holds this as a high value. If things are clean, neat and tidy, it means you have your stuff together, you take pride in who you are and it’s just better for you…. He, on the other hand, values down time a whole lot more than having a clean house. He doesn’t mind leaving the dishes in the sink overnight as they can wait until morning. After a nice meal, he’d rather watch a movie, play some video games or just chill. Cleaning can get done when things look like they need to be cleaned – it doesn’t have to be on a routine. This dynamic can lead to frustration on both sides – both can feel like the other doesn’t care about them. “All she cares about is cleaning and having things done now”, “He doesn’t think anything is important and everything can wait until tomorrow – he doesn’t care that this is important to me!”

Scenario B: Difference in standards: He thinks there is a very particular way things should be done – if you’re going to do it, be sure to do it right! She works more from a ‘good enough’ place – as long as the job gets done, it’s good enough. He feels frustrated, she feels like she can never please him, so she eventually stops trying, causing him even more frustration.

Scenario C: “He expects me to be his mother!”: Some couples have a natural dynamic of one partner being more of the nurturer or caretaker. While this may work in some situations, when it feels like an imbalance in responsibilities it can create a lot of resentment and anger. “He wants me to take care of him all the time, pick up his socks, do the dishes, and when I ask him to help, he looks hurt!”. “She likes to take care of me. When I’ve offered to help, she tells me she’s got it. I’m confused, I don’t know what she wants anymore!”

I’m sure there are many other dynamics out there where there just feels like an imbalance. It’s so important to have conversations about chores, money, responsibilities and values before making the commitment to live in the same house. We all bring in expectations from the homes we grew up in, and these usually don’t match those of our partners.

For those of you who are in this boat now, perhaps you’ve had many conversations and you are so frustrated because nothing is changing, I’d encourage you to try again. Speak from a calm place, share how it makes you feel when you don’t get the support you wish you had. Together try and come up with a plan. Be willing to hear your partner and listen for the things you need to work on and change, too.

As always, if you need help with this, I’d encourage you to seek support. I’ve so often heard couples say, ‘I feel stupid arguing about chores in therapy – there are much bigger issues!” – the fact is, if you are arguing about chores, it’s because it is a big issue and points to deeper areas of disconnection and hurt. It is not a stupid thing to argue about in therapy or otherwise, but the goal is to try and change what that sounds like and how it results in the end.