Anita Jacob

The other day I was looking out of the window and I saw a man walking his dog. For a brief moment the dog looked up at him with such an endearing look, it melted my heart.

This look seemed to say, “I love you, I trust you, I want to spend every moment with you, take me with you!” The owner wasn’t doing anything particularly engaging… just walking, possibly not even noticing how his dog looked at him.

It made me think of how so many of us wish someone would look at us with the same love and positivity that that dog looked at his owner. All we really want is for someone to show us that we are worthy of love, affection, attention. We so often feel unworthy of these things and need to be reminded often that we deserve these, not because of what we do, but because of who we are! We shouldn’t have to earn them or fight for them, though too often we feel like we do.

What is difficult is that many of us have created a long list of why we are hard to love – we’re too emotional, we are too needy, we get angry to easily, we’re boring… and the list goes on. Maybe we’ve tried to change these things, but the old patterns keep creeping back up causing us to feel ashamed and even less deserving of love.

Once we accept that we are all flawed and have our things to work on, we can embrace empathy and acceptance as we are. We can also offer this to those we love the most while offering gentle encouragement to work on the things that get in the way of closer connection and intimacy in the relationship.

As I thought about this I was reminded of my waitressing days where sometimes I’d wait on a table where an old couple would be sitting. They wouldn’t say much to each other, but I could tell they were deeply connected. They’d take something from their partner’s plate to try it and talk about how lovely the food was. They’d engage me and ask about my life and what I was studying in school. There would be an ease about them, a security, like they didn’t need words to remind them they were okay, they just knew. I would sometimes see that same look of adoration exchanged between them that the dog gave to his owner. On the flip side, I would also see the couples who were there for the obligatory celebration of a birthday or anniversary. They also wouldn’t say much, but seemed awkward, even after decades of marriage. The difference was tangible. Somewhere along the way, that connection was lost, assuming it had been there at some point!

I know you can’t force your partner to look at you in a certain way or make you feel something new, so I encourage you to intentionally think of the good qualities of your partner often… the way they make you laugh, how well they provide or comfort you, what you find most attractive about them! As you do this see if it changes how you look at and feel toward them. I suspect you will feel closer and more attracted to them as you focus on the positives!