Anita Jacob

Honesty is a high value in any relationship. We want our partner to be honest with us, and we want to be able to share anything we think or feel with our partner! This builds trust and brings a sense of security in the relationship.

The problem I see with many couples is when the value of honesty is used as an excuse for being mean. Let me know if this sounds familiar…

Sheila: “Every time I ask you to go for a walk you tell me you’re too tired. I feel like you don’t want to spend time with me.”

Mike: “I am tired… besides, you walk really slowly and I find it really annoying when you dawdle and look at the flowers. I thought you walked to get exercise. Maybe that’s why you haven’t lost any weight if that’s what you call exercise!”

Sheila: “That’s not fair! I walk to get some fresh air and just get out of the house. You don’t have to be so mean!”

Mike: “I’m just being honest. You want me to be honest, right?”

Being honest doesn’t mean you say what you have to say any which way you want. Especially in sharing things that are touchy or difficult, some tact is still required.

The Golden Rule definitely applies when being honest with our partner, but it goes further than this. The Golden Rule says, “do to others as you would have them do to you”. I can already hear some of you say, ‘but my wife/husband isn’t the same as me’. That is so true. Don’t only do what you would want someone to do to you, but do what you know your partner would want from you.

In the above example, you may know that your partner is sensitive about their weight, or has struggled to get up and moving regularly. Instead of pointing out how slow she walks, you can still say you don’t like to go on those kinds of walks during the day because you feel like going on a power walk, but are proud of her for getting out there. Then suggest another activity for connection since that is what she feels is missing.

If you feel like something needs to be said, find a time to talk about it. Don’t wait for a chance to tack it onto something else under the guise of honesty. Keep issues separate. This allows for each one to be discussed and resolved on it’s own. If you lump it in with a number of other things, it can be really hard to untangle them and get anything resolved. When I hear someone say, “I’m just being honest”, it’s almost always with something said in an mean way, and is usually something that seems to be an unresolved issue where anger or resentment has been left to fester. Try your best to avoid this and tackle things as they come up so that nothing is left to build up into something worse.

Honesty is a great and necessary thing in a relationship, but honesty spoken with love is key!