Anita Jacob

Jealousy is often thought of as an ugly thing. It creates havoc on our emotions and drives us to behave in ways that are out of character for us. So can it ever be good?

I know in the Bible God calls Himself a ‘Jealous’ God in the context of wanting the Israelites to worship Him only and not worship the gods of the nations around them. He knows that He is what’s best for them and pursues them like a father pursues his child. I think this is the only time I have heard the word jealousy associated with something good. When I have brought up the word with couples in my office, they see it as a terrible thing and even as a threat to the relationship.

This caused me to question if jealousy in relationships can be or is ever good. As with so many emotions, it is often the behaviour that follows the emotion that is really the problem (snooping on their phone, checking phone logs or location, making accusations without evidence). Jealousy is a natural feeling when we see our partner be a little too close or friendly with someone else you may see as a threat to your relationship. This may be at a party, or on social media or through text. If you’ve been hurt or betrayed in the past, this feeling will be so much stronger.

Jealousy can be a warning sign of things not being right in a relationship. It points to a lack of security in the relationship and can sometimes tell you that the person you are with may not be right for you.

To the first point, if you are struggling with jealousy when your partner really isn’t doing something wrong, you may need to work through insecurities of your own, possibly issues of low self-worth or not feeling good enough to be loved. Many times these feelings get worse when you and your partner aren’t doing very well. Perhaps you’ve been fighting a lot and the connection between you feels tenuous. Often things are said during fights like, “I don’t even know why we’re together”, or “this doesn’t seem to be working, maybe we should just break up!” These words, even if said in the heat of the moment, are not easily forgotten and plant seeds of fear and insecurity about the relationship.

To my second point, if you are with someone who is often flirtatious with others, causing you to question how they feel about you, ask yourself if this is something you can adapt to. Sometimes this is a personality style – extroverts tend to be more like this – and sometimes it comes from their own place of insecurity and needing attention. Talk to your partner about how you feel and what may need to change for you to feel more secure in the relationship. If they aren’t willing to work on this with you or if you see no change over time, then this may lead to many more arguments and disconnection over the years.

Feeling secure in a relationship is so important, and if you find yourself being jealous much of the time, check-in with your partner and with yourself to see what can be done.

So is jealousy good? Being jealous can be seen as pointing to just how much you love someone – craving their time and attention, not wanting to share that connection with anyone else. Jealousy can also act as a warning sign of problems in the relationship.

Don’t be too quick to own jealousy as meaning something is wrong with you and as something that needs to be squashed. As yourself what it’s really about and if it is really a problem.