Anita Jacob

It’s just another day… you get up, get coffee, give your partner the obligatory kiss and “How did you sleep?”… then you get on with the day. Take the kids to school, go to work, pick up the kids, have dinner, do bedtime routines, turn in for the night and do it all over again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, until the weekend, which is scheduled, too!

Sometimes life can feel like it’s just a matter of checking off boxes. Often we don’t even realize this feeling until we’ve been doing it for awhile and then it dawns on us that we really aren’t fulfilled in any part of our lives. Marriage can definitely feel this way. We just get busy and routine sets in. You have your usual go-to restaurants, your usual walks and you keep watching the same types of shows on TV for years, never venturing out into something new or unknown.

Now, while this doesn’t always feel like a huge problem in the moment, what I hear with these couples when they come into my office is that they feel like roommates. They are worried about being stuck in this rut as they get older and think about kids moving on and having more time together in retirement. The thought of this often feels scary and really awkward. These couples don’t know how to be real with each other anymore… even the thought of sharing something vulnerable feels weird, like they are exposed!

How did this happen? Once upon a time there was romance, excitement, spontaneity and long, deep conversations about deep emotions. You felt like this person knew you better than anyone else and you couldn’t wait to spend time with them. But now it’s just boring!

The first step here is to acknowledge how it feels and how unsatisfied you are in the way things are going. It’s a sad statistic that older couples are getting divorced far more than just a few decades ago. The kids move out and they imagine being home with their partner without any distractions. This feels scary, what will you talk about? Will you just talk about the weather and what’s for dinner? Will you have your own hobbies – he goes golfing with his buddies, and she has her weekly ladies bunko night, and there’s no common ground between you?

No, it is possible to avoid a future like this… and again I will use the word ‘connection’! Basically, the antidote to boredom, tension, arguments and resentment in relationships is connection. This needs to be intentional and consistent and it can look like so many things!

My clients think it’s funny when I suggest things like conversation cards or Table Topics to get them talking. The fact is, a lot of couples have forgotten how to really talk to each other. They fall into patterns that become limited and stunted and they can’t find a way out. This is where a little help is needed. Asking random questions from a stack of cards gets the conversation going, often with some humour and lightheartedness! Can you guess what your partner might do if they were president/prime minister for the day? Why not ask them? How about what their favourite memory from childhood was?

I imagine that after a conversation like this you will feel more connected to your partner and you will look forward to doing it again soon. It may be a bit awkward at first, but as with anything, practice goes a long way to making it easier, more fun and more fulfilling!

Don’t let boredom settle into your marriage. You can find a way to spruce things up and bring back the joy and contentedness, even some excitement! Don’t give up!