Anita Jacob

Marriage can sometimes feel like one disappointment after another. The same fight you have over and over again. Something you thought was resolved and figured out years ago that rears it’s ugly head out of the blue. A request made last week to please not do this one thing as it drives you crazy, and low and behold, there it is again!

It can sometimes feel too much, like going on a merry-go-round that just never seems to stop. The good times are still good, but the positive feeling are harder and harder to hold onto because the other stuff feels so big and takes up so much of your emotional energy and space in your head.

Any of this sound familiar?

The hardest thing about marriage is that you married someone who isn’t you. They have different habits and annoying quirks that just drive you nuts. Their values may not line up perfectly with yours where they think something is super important, but you just don’t get why? You may have had a wonderful conversation last night about how something needs to change, you feel like you were heard and understood and a plan was made… but then today everything is the same.

Disappointment…again!

So does this mean the end? Do you stop trying because your partner doesn’t seem to want to change the way you want them to?

We often give power to things we cannot control, and often, this involves the people in our lives. We can’t control our partners, we can’t control our kids, we can’t control the other drivers on the roads – and yet we give them so much power to control us! The only one we can control is ourselves… and that doesn’t mean we can control our feelings. Feelings will come no matter what. You may feel hurt, angry, disappointed, frustrated, and you can’t not feel these things when they show up. What you can control is what you choose to do about them. You can choose to share them calmly, understanding the cause. You can choose to do some activity that helps you release them – journaling, going for a walk, listening to music, exercising.

You can’t change the things that your partner does that disappoints you, but you can discuss those with them and find ways to compromise. Look for things apart from the black and white – set routines for basic things that need to get done. Do exercises that involve sharing and listening and coming up with a plan. Also, realize if there are some things your partner is not good at and find ways around expecting them to get good at them?

There are so many ways to work on differences in a relationship, loads of online tools, and professionals who would love to work with you on how to find those compromises and work through the resentments that have inevitably built up if you’ve been together for any length of time. Please seek out something to help if you find you are in the place of disappointment in your relationship. Don’t let it fester!