Anita Jacob

“I just want you to listen, why do you always try and fix it?”

The stereotype of the analytical, engineer-type man in a relationship isn’t far from the truth, though I have seen almost as many women fall into this category. When we have a problem and just want to be heard, we go to our partner, only to find that they barely hear the emotion in our voice, or the distress around a situation… skipping over all the hurt and upset, only to try and tell us what we should have done, or what we should say to this person or that!

Without being heard, we can’t move on to the logical place of how to make a situation better. The truth is, we often don’t even care about that! All we want in those situations is to be heard, validated, comforted, and often, just to be told it’s going to be okay. Many times we need to hear that we are going to be okay.

I have had to help a lot of partners fight the urge to offer a solution because it just sounds so obvious and, in their minds, it sounds like the most helpful thing they can offer their distressed partner. I’ve encouraged them to ask permission to offer solutions before just blurting something out. That may look like: “do you want my help to figure this out?” or “I could help you come up with a plan. Would you like that?” And the key here is to respect the answer. If a partner says no, then there’s the answer and you just keep listening. Perhaps at the end of the conversation, once they’ve got everything out, they will ask for your advice… but maybe they won’t, and that is their choice.

On the flip-side, for the partner in distress, knowing the tendency of their partner to want to fix, set expectations up front. You might say something like, “I just need you to listen, I don’t need a solution right now” or “I just need to vent, could you just listen for a few minutes?”.

Awhile ago I came across this YouTube video called “It’s not about the nail”. It illustrates this dynamic perfectly. The logical messages may seem so good and make so much sense, but they will fall on deaf ears if the person is not in a place to hear them. There is great power in feeling understood, validated and accepted in a relationship, and sometimes that is best done by saying less!

Enjoy watching this short video. I would love to hear your thoughts about it!