How many couples do you know where one person is the driven, ‘control-freak’ partner and the other is the super laid back, nothing rattles them, go-with-the-flow type of person. Are you in a relationship like this?
In many ways this type of relationship works great – she’s planning and organizing and packing and making reservations, while he’s hanging out with the kids, waiting to be told everything’s ready. Or he’s on the phone taking care of the details of an upcoming event, while she’s taking a long shower and daydreaming.
On the surface, this looks like a perfect match… one takes care of business, while the other stays out of their way! Both have their strengths and they’ve figured out just how they, like two pieces of a puzzle, fit perfectly together.
But then, where things often look perfect, they rarely are… inevitably someone feels unseen, misunderstood and ignored. Usually in times of stress, partners with such different styles of engaging really feel the distance. The complaint I often here in my office sounds something like this: “he just doesn’t seem to care a whole lot about the things that matter to me”, or “she barely listens to how I actually feel and just wants to find something to make it all better!”
The things that are such a strength in most situations, fall way short when your partner needs you to be present and fully engaged. Another example of how individual differences can really suck in relationships! This can bring up questions of, “does he really care about me?” or “does she really know me at all?” It can really hurt when you just want someone to be there and get you.
It’s so important when you’re with someone that’s so different than you to really make connection a priority. Here are a few ideas on how to combat the differences to focus on connection:
- Do the things that you both enjoy and can engage in well together.
- Check-in often to make sure the expectations are still understood. Often the more task-oriented one begins to feel resentful, like the pressure and responsibility is solely on them when it comes to planning things or taking care of business. The more laid back partner can feel like they have nothing to offer, like they are just waiting by the sidelines until they are asked to do something. These are dangerous patterns in relationships as it creates distance, resentment and hurt.
- Don’t make assumptions or think you can read minds. Though you assume your partner has things taken care of, still ask it there’s anything you can do. Ask for help when you need it rather than trying to do everything on your own.
I most often see couples who are at the point of anger and resentment because of years of the same patterns being repeated over and over again. Don’t wait to make changes, and ask for help if these patterns are just too hard to change on your own. We all need a bit of perspective sometimes, and little bit of a nudge in the right direction!
Anita Jacob 