Have you ever approached your partner only to feel like they have a sword drawn and are ready to fight no matter what you say? Perhaps it’s still sheathed until you open your mouth with a comment or question, and then, before you know it, there it is!
In relationships there’s often this dynamic of attack-attack or attack-defend that resurfaces again and again throughout the relationship. This can lead to volatile arguments or to shutting down and becoming more distant.
The longer you are with someone, the more baggage builds up with past arguments that never get forgotten and things that were said that can’t be unsaid. Because of this, we develop a heightened sense of self-protection, often trying to predict what’s coming next so that we can fend it off before we get hurt. Here is what that might look like:
Jim: “I can’t believe our credit card bill is so high. We need to cut down on our expenses.”
Sue: “I’m only buying things we actually need. You know I don’t spend on outrageous things for myself. You do most of the spending and I tell you we don’t need it all!”
Jim: “I’m not saying it’s all you. We need to figure this out together!”
Sue: “You always say it’s me. I don’t know why we talk about this stuff anymore. It always comes back to how I’m not responsible with money and how I spend too much on this or that. I can’t take it anymore!”
Looking at this short dialogue objectively we can see that no accusation was made. Blame wasn’t being placed, only a statement of fact was shared by Jim. As we know, talking about money is often a touchy subject as there’s so much that’s tied up in this topic. It would appear that in this case money has been brought up before where Sue felt like she was being blamed as much of the problem. So instead of being able to hear Jim and lean in as a partner, she attacks – the sword comes out – and defends, then shuts down.
Our brains are wired both for survival and for connection, and these are very much linked. If we are not connected to others, we may not survive (nobody’s there to protect us, as children we can’t survive without being taken care of). That’s why in our closest relationships, we are so sensitive to criticism and hurt. Criticism may mean that we aren’t good enough and could lead to abandonment, physical or emotional, or both. We take the risk to depend on someone else, but are terrified when that security is threatened, so we react. Let’s face it, criticism always hurts, even when it’s only perceived and not actual! but when we put in in the context of relationship, it could mean losing what makes us feel safe, secure, accepted and loved.
I wish I could say that this all goes away as you get older and weather more challenges together as a couple, but this often isn’t the case. The intensity of your reaction may decrease as you know the pattern of attack, defend, shut down and reengage, but the initial pain will always hurt.
If you find yourself in this recurring pattern, there is hope! Learning how to tap into the fears and communicate these with your partner is so important. Catching yourself as you formulate your attack to identify the feelings driving it. This probably won’t happen in the moment at first, but can be explored after the fact and discussed then.
As always, seeking a guide in the form of a professional to help figure this out is always a good idea. Understanding emotions can sometimes feel like trying to understand a foreign language, so there’s no shame in needing help with this. Just to complicate this more, often what’s beneath the surface isn’t just about the current relationship, but is about things said or done in past relationships or in the families we grew up in. Remember, you are not alone in this!
Anita Jacob 