What word or feeling comes up for you when you think of ‘Intimacy’? I assume many of you may feel uncomfortable with this word. It feels scary, close, vulnerable, something to be avoided at all costs. For others it may provide a sense of warmth and comfort, safety or longing.
Much of how you feel about intimacy comes from your experience with your family growing up. Did they comfort you, give you hugs, listen to you when you were upset… or did they shut you down or tell you to go away so you had to figure it out on your own. Perhaps they just weren’t there for you when you needed them so you learned not to bother others with your stuff. Whatever your experience was, it helped to determine how much you let others know you now.
When it comes to relationships, most people think intimacy refers to sexual intimacy… but that is only one type. Intimacy really is all about connection, in various ways – social, emotional, intellectual, physical.
- Social – Shared experiences, activities and interests. These activities may be shared with friends, engaging on a social level and building connection through this.
- Emotional – Being able to share yourself, saying, “This is me”, The hope here is that in being vulnerable, you will feel seen and accepted for who you are, therefore, deepening the connection you have with your partner.
- Intellectual – This is the connection you find with others who are able to share in the discussions about things you find interesting. They may think like you or be able to engage in a healthy debate with opposing views.
- Physical – Touch, physical affection and sex all fall under this category. A comforting hug or holding hands while watching a movie create connection and closeness.
Any kind of intimacy should include a sense of safety with the person you are sharing it with. Intimacy without safety is something else and not intimacy at all. It requires a level of vulnerability, putting yourself out there, letting someone see you beyond just the surface. We all crave this and long for it!
One of the deepest questions we all carry with us is, “can I be fully known and loved for who I am?”
I don’t know about you, but this is a scary thought. I’m sure you, like myself, have parts of you that you are ashamed of or embarrassed about. Could someone really love me if they knew that about me? Thankfully, that is not all someone would see. They would see your kindness, how you make them laugh, how you light up when the sun comes out, and how passionate you are about things that matter deeply to you. We are all a package deal – thankfully! It makes us complex and deep. It takes some time and effort to get to know us, and it is up to us to allow that to happen.
I challenge you to think about this word and see how it makes you feel. You may be surprised!
If thinking about this brings up painful memories of the past, it may help to talk to a professional to work through those events. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Anita Jacob 