It’s not surprising that money shows up near the top of any list of common marital problems. Money is linked to so many emotions around control, safety and security, not only for today, but for the future!
When we think of money, we think of our basic needs being met – can we pay the rent/mortgage, do we have enough for bills, food and clothing? but we also think about the other aspects of life such as entertainment, little indulgences, travel and celebrations. If we spend too much on one area, there won’t be any left for the others.
So why can couples not just talk about how much money they have coming in and what they value, determining together where this money should go? Oh, I wish it was so simple! It really doesn’t sound so complicated… until you factor in personality differences, how differently people were raised, family values and culture, impulse-control and how people manage stress!
When you put all that together, it’s a wonder any decisions get made that both parties are happy with. So many times in my therapy office I hear couples retell an argument about deciding what money should be spent on. Sometimes the husband has an expensive hobby like buying and fixing up cars… other times, the wife decides an expensive hair treatment is worth the high price tag. Often, it’s something much more simple like eating out at a sit down restaurant versus getting fast-food or picking up a pizza.
I hear resentments come out as one party says, “I don’t want to be controlling, so I don’t say ‘no’”, but underneath, the resentment is building. Other times I hear the opposite sentiment of, “I just stopped telling her and hope she doesn’t find out” (fyi – she usually finds out!).
If you think about your relationship with money, does it create stress? Do you talk to your partner about what it means to you and your fears and concerns around it? What is it like to hear your partners’ views on it?
I encourage you to take a moment and really allow yourself to feel the emotions you have around money – what does it mean to you? Do you feel scared? Do you feel confident? Is it something you hold loosely, or is it something to be controlled rigidly?
Money doesn’t have to be one of the top things you argue about in your relationship, but it can be hard to start those conversations and sit through them without anger creeping in. If you need help, please seek out a professional who could help you better understand this dynamic and bring back a sense of partnership between the two of you.
Anita Jacob 