Shouldn’t we feel good in our long-term relationships… like rejection shouldn’t be a thing because our partner has already committed to us? Generally you may feel secure, sure that your partner will not leave you, but this feeling still comes up more often than you’ve expect!
You’d be surprised at how prevalent this emotion is among married couples and those who’ve been together for a long time. I often hear sentiments of feeling rejected in phrases like, “I talk to him and he just ignores me, it’s like he doesn’t even care!” or “I put my arm around her and she pushes it away or just rolls over.” It may sound like, “He could tell that I was upset, but didn’t even ask if I was okay!” or “I asked if she wanted to go for a walk, but she said she was too busy.”
The feeling of rejection can be triggered by all sorts of things. Often our partners aren’t even aware of the significance of it. Perhaps you are making a concerted effort to show your love and care for him or her and it seems to go unnoticed, or you may feel vulnerable and have a need for connection, so you reach out only to be slapped away.
No matter what it sounds like in your relationship, it hurts just the same. Studies have even shown that rejection causes the same parts of the brain to light up as when we are in physical pain – Wow! A partner turning away or not responding hurts like pricking your finger or bumping your head on a cabinet!
What happens next dictates a lot about the trajectory of a relationship. We all react badly when hurt unless we first recognize what’s happening and catch ourselves. I know, all too often, we lash out when hurt, throwing an adult tantrum, or we shut down, trying to shut off the hurt emotions and vowing to not need anyone to make us feel better.
As is so often the case, vulnerability is the key here. Being able to articulate the feelings and share them can be the hardest thing to do, but can also be the most rewarding. Talk about the pain, not to blame or shame, but to share your needs and even why you were reaching out at that time. It could be as simple as saying, “I just wanted to feel close to you”, or “I had a hard day and needed someone to listen to me”.
We all need connection! Don’t give up on trying to seek it. Ask for what you need and don’t give up on the belief that you deserve your needs to be met!
Anita Jacob 