Anita Jacob

All couples experience dull seasons where there isn’t much of a spark and it just feels like they are in a rut. I have yet to find a couple that is happy all the time – no fighting, not even any disagreements, both partners completely happy!

Honestly, if I did find a couple like this, I would probably think something was wrong with them… yet, this is what we all wish we had in our primary relationship, but likely will never have – because we are human and flawed!

So let’s move the goalposts, assuming you are pretty close to average in your relationship – some arguing, sometimes it gets quite heated, not agreeing on quite a few things, but generally pretty content, though wish it could be better. I think this describes most of us!

What would ‘better’ look like to you, realistically? Getting back to ‘good’ quicker after an argument? Less intensity in the disagreements (not raising voices quite so loudly or dragging it on for quite as long)? Feeling more connected to your partner? Doing more things together that you both enjoy?

It’s not easy after you’ve been in a rut for awhile and may not know what to do to change things. Here are a few ideas of where to start.

How to get out of a rut in your relationship:

• Change up the routine – introduce something new like a monthly adventure (going somewhere new, trying out a new cuisine at home or at a new restaurant).
• Change what you can control in arguments – how do you respond, how quickly does your voice get raised?
• If you feel tension between you, identify what it is about and address it before it turns into something bigger.
• Humbly own when you are having a bad day and that it may not be the right time to address something touchy or stressful in the relationship.

Choose to work on just one thing at a time, talking with your partner about what this would look like and how to accomplish this one small step toward a happier and healthier relationship. Any change takes time and should be given a lot of grace for mistakes or relapses into old behaviour.

Sometimes the issues and hurts run deep and you may need to seek professional help to get to the bottom of why you react the way you do to certain things. I know that if you’ve been hurt in the past, it can creep up into your current relationship and you may feel helpless to know how to change it. The truth is, no matter how much you feel like you can’t change, change is always possible! We can all grow into better versions of ourselves. It can take a lot of effort and time, but it can happen and is worth it to yourself and to those who love you!