Anita Jacob

What makes for a good date? I mean the kind of date you go on with the person you’ve been with for years, not the just getting to know you kind! Often you will hear from relationship experts that ‘dating your spouse’ is crucial to improving or maintaining health in your marriage or relationship. Sometimes when I suggest this to a couple, they look at me like I’m crazy because it feels awkward, or like they’re taking a step back… but that not it at all.

I know the definition of a good date depends a lot on the personality and temperament of each individual, but I really think the measure of a good date is the level of connection you feel with the person you are with during and following it. How often have you done something special and for days after you have a sort of giddiness about you where just a memory of it brings a smile to your face. That’s what I’m talking about!

Your date may only consist of a movie night and dinner at home, but you feel really close and connected throughout, with good conversation and closeness. You could go to the most romantic restaurant and feel no connection at all, feeling awkward or distant from each other.

Whatever you choose to do, keep it flexible and allow for plans to change if what you planned isn’t doing it for you.

So often I see couples who followed my advice and planned a date or tried to surprise their partner by doing something special, only to be disappointed. After some digging through the finger pointing and doing an autopsy of the issues at play, we come to discover that it all comes down to expectations.

I know that when we put a lot of time, effort and thought into something, we play it through in our minds about just how it will go, the expression on our partners face and the glee they will share when they discover what has been planned. With that comes all sorts of excitement and build-up of expectations for ‘the best time ever!’.

Then reality hits – she looks a little less excited than you hoped for… he has a certain look on his face that seems like he’s not really that happy… maybe I shouldn’t have tried so hard,,, why do things never go as well as I had hoped… why can I never make her happy?

Again, as is so often the case, it comes down to a few things:

• Communicate expectations
• Know your partner – don’t expect them to be something you know they are not – they won’t suddenly become an outdoorsy type person if they’ve never been one before!
• When it comes to surprises, respect if your partner doesn’t like them. Know that planning surprises entails a level of risk, so don’t hold too tightly to the reaction you hope to get.

A couple of things I’ve seen work really well have been where a couple takes turns planning dates – sometimes very elaborate ones, and sometimes very simple ones. Some set a budget that they have to fall within. Sometimes it’s weekly, others have chosen monthly. Whatever you choose, be committed to trying it for a specified amount of time, and then switch it up if it’s not quite working for you.

Remember, the measure of a good date is all in the feelings you both experience throughout the date, and what you are left with at the end. The purpose of dating your partner is to create connection, making intentional time that is without distraction and is just for the two of you. Dating is not just for new relationships… it is for all relationships!

So why not try something new, do something new, and date!